What’s one of the best ways to find love in this challenging time in history? In this important episode, you’ll learn how to find love and make a real difference at the same time.

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Listen For

• 01:09  How can finding love heal your life in the process?
• 02:53 What is the quickest and wisest way to find love?
• 07:39 Why is it important to remember what matters most to us?
• 11:39 Why do we need to look for people who share your values?
• 14:56 How do you bravely communicate with people and build connections?

 

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A Powerful Way To Find Love – And Make A Difference

Are you someone who cares about what is happening in the world? Are you someone who is seeking a wonderful relationship or just deeper intimacy in your life? If so, boy, do I have an opportunity for you. Stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating podcast to learn one of the most powerful ways that you can find love and make a difference at the same time.

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Hello everybody, and welcome to the Deeper Dating Podcast. I am Ken Page, and I am a psychotherapist. I am the author of the bestselling book, Deeper Dating, and the creator of the Deeper Dating Intensive. I am so glad to be with you here today, where I am going to be talking about one of the most powerful ways to find love that also heals your heart and connects you with other human beings. It is a way to get a date by fighting hate. I am going to be talking about this more.

First, let me just say that in this and every episode, I am going to share with you the greatest tools that I know to help you find love and keep it flourishing and heal your life in the process, because the skills of dating really are the skills of intimacy. The skills of intimacy are the greatest skills of all for having a rich and meaningful life. Let me jump in.

Healing Loneliness, Longing, & The Pain Of The World We’re Living In

In this work, I spend a lot of time talking about healing a particular kind of pain, the pain of loneliness, the pain of longing for love, of longing for an intimate relationship, or longing for the relationship that we are in to grow deeper. That is what I focus on. There is another pain that so many of us are experiencing and that I am experiencing in my life at this time, and that is the pain of this world that we are living in now.

The skills of dating are really the skills of intimacy, and the skills of intimacy are the greatest skills of all for living a rich and meaningful life. Share on X

In the United States, detention camps, unmonitored factories of cruelty, families being torn apart, citizens unarmed being shot, and a government trying to cover this over. There’s so much families being torn apart. These things keep so many of us up at night. What is happening to our country, and not just in the United States, there are so many other places where freedom is being eroded, where the environment is being wounded.

Connecting Love With Values & Social Engagement

We speak a lot about that pain, too. There is a way that these pains connect and where the solution to these pains connect. Here is what it is. Something that I have seen in my decades of work as a psychotherapist, in my work as a coach, and my leading intensives with people and in my own life, is that the quickest way, in many cases to find love, the wisest way, the quickest way, the way to get things moving in your search for love is to go to events with people who share your values.

This is not just true for single people. This is true for people who are in relationships and want to build more fellowship and community. Where do you have that happen best? In environments where there is an immediacy, where there is something that matters, where it is not like online dating, where the only thing that you are sharing is this flat desire to get a date. The more value and meaning are connected to your search for love and the way that you meet people, the quicker your chances are of finding healthy love.

The thing is, though, that for example, in this kind of state that so many of us are in, anxiety and grief, a feeling of helplessness, a feeling of anger, the knowledge that something essential, basic human rights and values are being threatened here and in many parts of the world. When we are in that state, it does not just affect how we vote or what news we read. It affects our nervous system. When our nervous systems are overwhelmed, love can start to feel very far away.

 

That is why I want to talk about something that might seem pretty counterintuitive, but it is deeply connected to everything I teach about finding healthy, lasting love. These are powerful times to find love. If you understand how to work with that and not against it, you actually have a tremendous opportunity to connect to your own heart, to help the world, to have an impact on the world, and to get some great dates. I am not kidding about that. I heard Marianne Williamson speak once, and she said that somebody was kind of criticizing her work and said something like, “I know why people come to your events, it is to get a date.” Marianne’s response was, “Yeah, that sounds pretty smart and pretty great, all for it.”

That is true because you are going to an event with people who share your values and your passions. One of the core principles in Deeper Dating® is this. If you want to find love that lasts, you do not do the same old things. You do new things. You break patterns. You do not look for love harder. Well, maybe you do, but more importantly – You look for love wiser. One of the wisest things that you can do is to put yourself in environments where your deepest values are already being lived.

Not just talked about on a dating profile and not just shared about over coffee, but lived. If you start thinking about what you are passionate about changing in this world, healing in this world, helping in this world, maybe it is not that kind of activism thing. Maybe it is just inner growth. Three cheers for you as well.

For those of us who are struggling and suffering with this profound erosion of human rights that is happening, we can join our passion for helping the world with our passion for finding love, building community, and building fellowship. Who goes to these events? People who want to make a difference. People who have a generosity of spirit.

Passion, Bravery, &  Attraction

People who care about the same things you care about. Those are qualities that actually can predict long-term love. If you are wanting to stand up around your values of dignity, care for the earth, protection of vulnerable communities, truth, decency, compassion, free speech, I cannot tell you, and I would not tell you what to believe politically, but I am taking a stand for honesty, for decency, and for treating other human beings and the earth with care, decency, and respect, as are so many of you.

If you want to find love that lasts, you don’t do the same old things. You try new things, break patterns, and instead of looking for love harder, you look for love wiser. Share on X

Here is another thing. When we feel like something we love is at risk, energy rises. When danger comes, fear arises, passion arises, bravery arises, and meaning arises, and those things are passionate. Those things are sexy. Those things are alive. When we remember what matters, we become more alive, more engaged, more passionate, more ourselves, and that means more noticeable, more that our radiance and our aliveness and our humanity is seen by other people.

Also, psychologically, another thing that happens in environments like this is that people drop their masks. They are real. They are themselves. They stop performing, they stop being vague, they show who they are, and they show what they are willing to stand for. That is why so often people fall in love during intense experiences. Not because the moment is easy, but because it is real and they are real. There is this wonderful study, and it is often called “Love on a Suspension Bridge”.

One like this very famous study, it went like this. There were two different bridges, and the lower bridge was one that it was a very peaceful, easy bridge that went over a creek or a brook or something like that. There was a higher bridge, I think it was like 250 feet, it was a suspension bridge above this raging river, and an experiment was done where researchers, or people posing as researchers, although they actually were researchers, interviewed people crossing these two bridges.

What they found is that the people on that scary higher bridge were more likely to have sexual fantasies about the people who spoke with them and interviewed them on the bridge, more likely to consider asking those people out on a date, and kind of more engaged romantically, sexually, erotically, and emotionally with that experience of meeting those people.

One reason that was described for that is that fear activates Eros, erotic interest, and romantic interest. I think it is something else, too. I think that those, when you are in a 250-foot-high suspension bridge above a raging river, that is kind of existential. When things become existential, you start feeling more about what matters. You become more alive. If you join whatever movements there are that are about the things that matter the most to you, that are helping the world, that are helping you stand up for the earth, for other human beings, this is a powerful way to meet. We are in crisis.

 

Practical Strategies For Meeting Compatible People

People joining in crisis bond more deeply because it is existential, and they are alive. Instead of just trying to date harder or scroll more, why not go where your values are already alive in other people? There are a few parts here. I am going to talk about where to look, where to look specifically, not just with people who share your values, but to find places where you might be able to date people, and then what to do when you get there.

If this speaks to you, I invite you, and even if it does not speak to you, I still invite you to look for community organizations that are grounded in giving and care and dignity, or spiritual groups or faith-based groups that are responding to suffering with activism and compassion. Mutual aid organizations, service organizations, advocacy organizations, or artistic and healing communities responding creatively to what is happening.

These are not just places to meet a date. They are places where kindness and courage and care and generosity show. That makes a huge deal. Say something else here. It is very concrete. It may seem like taking advantage of the situation, but I truly do not think it is, that you also look for environments wherever the kind of people you are attracted to, or drawn to, or share values with, or share other connections with, like it might be an LGBTQ group.

People joining in crisis bond more deeply because the experience is existential and makes them feel truly alive. Share on X

It might be a group with people who might share the same neurodiversity issues, a group with people with similar disabilities. People of the same race, the same culture, the same religion. That is totally cool. The same kind of age range that you are interested in. Any of these kinds of things, look for that because you are going to be spending your time doing this.

Why not do it in environments where you might be able to find love? If you are in a relationship already and that is not what you are looking for, then that is not an issue for you. You still want to go where your values are touched the most. When you get there, it is a funny thing. There are all of these environments that are built for single people to meet, but they are kind of like flat of values.

Vulnerability & Alignment in Action

There are all of these environments that are rich with values, but they make it really hard to meet people because that is not what this is for. That is why I created Deeper Dating® events so many years ago and hope to do that again. When you get there, I want to support you in being brave. If it helps you to go with a friend who pushes you to meet that attractive person whom you are noticing nearby but you are scared to talk to, your friend might help you, but activate bravery. You do not want to just go to these events.

Let me just say something. If maybe you are really shy, you might need to go to these events a number of times before you talk much to people. I still want to encourage you to be brave in communicating with people. Do not just scout out people who are hot. Talk to people who have beautiful smiles. Talk to people you are interested in, but also talk to the people who seem hot and attractive to you. Absolutely. Do not just narrow it down to those folks, because that is kind of creepy.

Talk to everybody, build connections, but talk to the people that you might be interested in, too. Do it. You deserve it. Also, when you talk to them, build the connection, and see if they might be interested in a cup of coffee. There is nothing wrong with doing that at these events. You do not want to do it like the first second. You want to obviously appropriately build connection, but there is nothing wrong with doing that. If you do that, and when you do that, I really also encourage you not just to talk about the logistics of this event or this community, or the injustices that you are addressing, but talk about why this matters to you.

That is the next level of personal vulnerability in your sharing. How does this touch your personal history? For me, for example, these ICE detention centers are so horrifying to me because my dad was a concentration camp survivor. That is not the only reason, but it is a reason, and obviously, people who do not come from that background will be horrified by this as well.

For me, it touches very deep roots. Seeing children separated from families, parents separated from their children, that rips me apart. I am a dad. These are things that I could talk about if I were on a date or if I were just in my situation more, just talking with someone whom I connected with at these events.

 

Let yourself be vulnerable at the same time also. Now, I also want to say it does not mean everyone needs to protest. There are ways to give that are not about protesting. Maybe it’s a soup kitchen. Maybe none of that stuff is for you. It does not have to be your path. Maybe it would be a spiritual event. Maybe it would be a personal growth event, but for those of us who are challenged by the pain of what we are seeing and a sense of helplessness, who also want more intimacy in our lives.

Let me tell you, love grows fastest in the environments where your values are activated. Right now, social engagement and moral engagement are powerful examples of that, but the key is alignment. Alignment really is not a passive thing. The more you are living it and acting it, the more that spark is likely to happen. When you do this, you save so much time.

You show your heart. Other people show their heart. You glow. There is real-time bonding. You do not have to guess that this is a caring person. You do not have to guess that this is a giving person. This saves enormous time and also protects you from unnecessary heartbreak. This was a little bit of a scary episode to do and I hope and pray that so many people who are listening stop and think, A – are there things that I can do that will help me with the feeling of helplessness that will make me feel like I am giving to the world, that I am giving back, that I am doing something good? B – are there environments where that is happening, where I am potentially likely to meet somebody that I might want to date? C – when I do that, am I willing to reveal myself? Am I willing to be brave? Do I need a friend to help me to do that? D – I guess what I would say is if this is sparking you, if it is touching you, this is an arena where your values, your passion, and your longing for connectedness can all meet together. Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to connecting on the next episode of the Deeper Dating® Podcast.

 

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