Today’s guest Arielle Ford and I share a passion for the idea of becoming a student of what works and what doesn’t work in love. I am excited to talk with her in this episode about her own incredible love journey and the bad dating habit we should all avoid. Arielle insists that, in a healthy relationship, you don’t get if you don’t ask. She also suggests a critical mindset shift that will help you see dating as an adventure rather than a chore.

Listen in as we discuss the importance of sex in a healthy committed relationship and all the work it takes to keep couples in equilibrium.

If you love the Show, please Subscribe, Rate, Review and Share on Apple Podcasts, or your favorite Podcast Platform!

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Show Notes:

  • How to stay away from bad dating habits
  • What has Arielle Ford’s love journey been like
  • How to grow during uncertainty
  • What are the top tips for finding healthy love
  • How to approach dating as an adventure
  • Why do couples need sex long-term

Important Links:

Arielle Ford | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter

 

6 month coaching and mentorship intensive with Ken Page

 

The Inner Journey That Leads to Love: An Interview With Arielle Ford

 

Ken Page:

I’m really excited to share this episode of the Deeper Dating Podcast with you where I get to interview my dear friend, Arielle Ford, one of the most inspiring teachers, about love, relationships, and intimacy, and a truly wonderful storyteller as well. So stay tuned to this episode.

Arielle, it is so good to have you here again. You have been a dear friend and a kind of angel to me for quite a long time. I’m thrilled to have you here with me.

And your wonderful book, The Love Thief, has just come out and the themes in that book, for people who’ve read it, people who haven’t read it, the themes are so universal about getting stuck in a bad relationship, finding your way out of it, and then this adventure, the kind of spiritual personal growth adventure of finding love and finding yourself.

So glad to have you here, and I just want to hear everything you have to say about that journey because you’ve devoted so much of your personal and professional life to this work, to that journey.

Arielle Ford:

Thank you. I’m very excited to talk to you.

 

Come up with a list of the heart traits and qualities that your soul most needs in a partner. Go really deep with 'what is my soul calling for?' Make the list, do a ritual, release it, and forget about it. If you don't ask, you don't… Click To Tweet

 

Ken Page:

Really glad to have you here. So let’s jump in. Can you just share with us something about your personal journey to find love, what that journey’s been for you?

Arielle Ford:

Well, it was never predictable that I would end up as a love and relationship expert, ever, and it was not on my to-do list. I was a first-time bride at 44. I grew up in a family where my parents literally hated each other, had no affection or appreciation for each other.

And then when I was 43, I woke up one day and went, oh my God, I forgot to get married. And I decided to focus my attention on manifesting a soulmate, which I did really brilliantly within a year. And actually in a couple of weeks, we’re going to have our 25th wedding anniversary.

Ken Page:

Oh, congratulations.

 

The Inner Journey That Leads to Love: An Interview with Arielle Ford

The inner journey to love: find yourself first in order to find love

 

Arielle Ford:

But what happened then was once I got married, I discovered that I had no partnership skills. I was an entrepreneur. I had a business. I was really good at being the boss, but I didn’t know how to be a good partner. So I put myself on this path to become a student of love.

And over the last many years, I have been an excellent student and I’ve studied with, really, I’ve interviewed 200 of the world’s top love, marriage, and relationship experts over all these years, and I’ve taken something valuable from all of them.

So that morphed into this world where I now help people find love, keep love, and be love. And because of my dedication to being a student of love, I have a lot of love in my life.

 

Stay away from bad dating habits:

 

Ken Page:

I really relate to that too, because as someone who also ended up getting married, well, for me it was after 50, it was like 51 or 52. I reached a point that I was kind of knocked down to my knees and I realized I’ve got to become a student of what’s not working here, and I’ve got to become a student of what does work.

So I deeply relate, too, and I think that the listeners to this podcast are all students of intimacy. Like you’re here because you care so much about learning about intimacy.

And just going back, let’s go back to your finding love, your committing your full focus to finding wonderful love. What are the three or four deepest wisdom pieces that you would give for all of the listeners of all orientations, all gender identities, everyone, human beings, about what helps to find healthy love?

Arielle Ford:

Well, for me, the first thing was doing a postmortem on my love history and really seeing what the patterns were and what have worked. And what I discovered when I did that was that I had been living out of my mother’s wish list of what a partner should be like, of what she didn’t have and what she wanted.

So I was a, I’m not as ambitious as I used to be, but I was a very type A, highly ambitious, very successful entrepreneur. And I thought I needed, what Alison Armstrong calls, the hairy version of myself. I needed a captain of the universe type who was slaying dragons and making stuff happen and high energy.

And I saw that I would manifest these kinds of boyfriends, but I was always miserable with them. And I was miserable because what my soul most was calling for was somebody who would be devoted to me, somebody who had time for me, and captains of the universe have no time for anybody but themselves.

 

Learning how to be with what is, learning how to dance with uncertainty, surf the waves of uncertainty, to be with not knowing, is the greatest skill I could have ever learned. Click To Tweet

 

So there was always this ongoing struggle of this powerful woman out there who was actually a very needy person, who wanted somebody who was their safe place to land. So once I got clear about what my soul was calling for, then I went about manifesting this being.

But it took some processing because I was embarrassed by the fact that I saw that I was a needy person because it didn’t fit with who I thought I was. And I was just going to say that I was able to come up with a list of the heart traits and qualities that my soul most needed in a partner.

And I was already quite adept at using the law of attraction and manifestation, so I just took all the little prayers, process, and rituals I had done to create the other parts of my life and applied it to my love life, but with this focus of the heart-centered being I needed to call into my life. Does that make sense?

 

The Inner Journey That Leads to Love: An Interview with Arielle Ford

How to find healthy love: become a student of what’s not working

 

Ken Page:

Oh, it’s so rich. And I want to kind of take that apart and almost turn that into practices for everybody. So step one, that I want to think about here from what you said, is what your head is telling you, and maybe it’s your mother, maybe it’s your father, maybe it’s the culture, whatever, what your head says you need versus what your heart says you need.

That is such a fascinating kind of differentiation. I could imagine, and even if people want to pause this recording right now and just start thinking, okay, so what does my head tell me my next partner needs to be like?

 

Top tips for finding healthy love:

 

Now dropping down, what does my heart ache for in a partner? I think nobody who is single, looking for love, shouldn’t do that. That’s a double negative. Everybody who’s looking for love should do that gorgeous practice. That’s just fabulous. So that’s part one, and that’s just magnificent.

What does your head say you want? What does your heart ache for? What does your heart long for? And then part two is that realization that you’re describing that the shame place was around the need, around the soft part of you, the part that wanted to be held, that wanted to be cared for, that wanted to be nourished, that wanted to be loved. That was a hard one to take in. That’s huge, and that must have been humbling….

 

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Arielle Ford:
Oh, it was unbelievable because here I was this strong, independent, fierce, slaying dragons kind of person, and really what I wanted was somebody who would sit and listen to me and be devoted to me and care about my feelings, and maybe care about my feelings more than I cared about my feelings because I was just so in my masculine energy all day long working, which was very satisfying.

In fact, I loved my life, even though I was 43 and single. I loved my life 90% of the time. The time when I started to realize I didn’t want to be alone was always on a Saturday night at 11:00 PM, I’d be driving home from some big gala screening party, because I lived in LA at the time, and I wouldn’t have anybody to share it with. I wouldn’t have anybody to talk to. And I was like, starting Monday, I’m going to work on dating, and Monday would come around and I’d get to work and forget all about dating until that morning when I was 43.

And I was like, holy shit, I forgot to get married, let’s do something about this. So what I did was I first made a list of all the ways I knew how to manifest, and then I made a list of the heart traits and qualities I most desired in a partner.

And some of them were sort of obvious, I wanted somebody who led a healthy lifestyle. And some of them were kind of crazy, like I wanted somebody who had English as a first language because I’m a writer, I’m a storyteller, my life is all about words.

And I had dated men who spoke English well, but it wasn’t their first language and there were always issues because different words have different meanings and different expression. So the communication part was critical to my long-term happiness. And then I wanted somebody who had a great mother. I wanted the world’s best mother-in-law because I knew somebody like that would know how to treat a woman and would respect women.

And my captain of the universe boyfriends pretty much never talked to their mothers. So I really went deep with what is my soul calling for? And at the end of the day, I made a list of 48 items, and then I forgot about it. That’s also part of the process, make the list and then do a ritual and release it and forget about it.

Until three years after Brian and I got married, he came running into my office one day waving this yellow legal pad, and he was like, “I found your list. I found your list.” And I’m like, “What list? What are you talking about?” “Your soulmate wish list.” And I said, “Oh, well, how many did I get?” He said, “You got 46 out of 48.” And I said, “Well, what two didn’t I get?” He said, “Well, I’m not Jewish.” And I said, “Well, that’s really not an issue because I’m a gastronomic Jew, not a religious Jew.” I said, “What else didn’t I get?” He said, “And I don’t cook.” And I said, “Yeah, but we’ve never missed a meal.”

So I got everything. So people always say, oh, well, you shouldn’t ask for too much. Listen, if you don’t ask, you don’t get. That’s my core belief. Why not ask? You’re not going to always get everything anyway. And the truth is, even though I got 46 of the 48 items, the things that I didn’t know to ask for have turned out to be the greatest gifts. I didn’t have enough love experience to even ask for what was important. It was just what was important to me at the time.

Ken Page:
That’s such an important point too, because I really feel like the universe delights in tricking us and giving us someone in some ways different than we expected. But I love that, and I love also naming the things that you would like, but knowing that the universe kind of has a way of doing that differently.

And one other thing I just want to mention is that as we all grow as a world, as a culture, we realize that masculine/feminine traits, which the researchers now are using the words expressive versus instrumental, that those are less linked to biology and genitalia than we ever thought, and that people of all different gender identities have the freedom to express instrumental and expressive qualities, and that it is a field of freedom versus a duality. So just want to make that point.

Arielle Ford:
Well, that’s a very technical kind of conversation, which I can’t even wrap my head around. I just know, for me, with the limited understanding I had that I could clearly see that I needed to, when I was working all day and producing, producing, producing, and then I wanted to go have dinner with my husband, and then he wanted to talk business over dinner because we had a business together, I could see that it would make me upset and angry because I wanted to not be the work maniac that I was over a romantic dinner. Now, I don’t know if there are for that…….

Ken Page:
Absolutely.

Arielle Ford:
But so for myself, I had created rituals where I would come home from the office, practice my belly dancing, take an aromatherapy bath, and then go to dinner. And I had to get Brian a few data books to read, so he would stop talking contracts with me over dinner.

Ken Page:
Yes.

Arielle Ford:
So was it feminine or masculine? I just know that it was a big learning curve for the two of us to be able to keep the equilibrium in the relationship.

Ken Page:
Absolutely. And the woman might need to play more of the, quote, unquote, masculine role because that’s who she is. And the man the more, quote, unquote, feminine because that’s what works for them as a couple. And the research shows that people who interplay as couples are the healthiest, happiest relationship.

So just as a queer person, I’m adding in this very important piece that I think the world is evolving in that direction, and I think it’s guys’ obligation just as much to soften after work and be present. And you found a guy who could do that. So it is wonderful.

Arielle Ford:
I just totally lucked out because he shows, he is a former pro athlete, he’s very much a macho kind of guy just looking at him, but if you spend time with him, he’s very beta and he’s… Well, here’s all you need to know about Brian, he actually believes that his purpose in life is to make sure that everybody who comes in contact with him has the experience of being loved. That’s why he’s alive on the planet today.

Ken Page:
Which is so beautiful. And to me, someone who has bypassed what a typical gender expectation should be and moved into who he really is, which is fabulous. So I just want to kind of talk about this adventure.

In your book, The Love Thief, one of the things that I adore the most about it is that Holly, the protagonist, has a terrible relationship, a breakup, and then goes on this journey that’s very not linear, of healing heartbreak, learning about spirituality, learning about finding a center inside that is healing, which I think is such an important human lesson.

And you kind of describe the love journey as one of learning and one of adventure and one of possibility. Could you talk about that shift from “I’m going to get my relationship” that’s like all I’m going to do to “I’m going to be a student, I’m going to be a student of life, I’m going to be a student of love”? Could you talk about that? Because I think that’s a really precious thing.

 

The Inner Journey That Leads to Love: An Interview with Arielle Ford

Approach dating as an adventure: become a student of love

 

Arielle Ford:
Well, so Holly was a almost 38-year-old single woman whose entire life was the dream of becoming the world’s best mom. She wanted the white picket fence. And one night in this very romantic setting, she meets Prince Charming and they fall madly in love until he breaks her heart, crushes her dreams, has an affair with her best friend slash business partner, and then she almost dies in a car accident.

So on every level, her life has been totally devastated and she doesn’t know how she’s going to recover. And for the first time in her life, she’s experiencing grief and depression and sadness when she’s not angry and rageful and ready to kill.

And she’s not a seeker, she’s not a believer. She is the daughter of a new age baby boomer, who goes on Esther Hick cruises and used to hang dream catchers over her crib. So she is a reaction to all her mother’s spirituality, and yet she ends up in Rishikesh, India, going to cooking school, not even understanding that it’s one of the holy cities in India, and it’s the yoga capital of the world.

And while there, she meets a retired professor of counseling psychology who owns the local spiritual bookstore, and they become friends, and he becomes her guide and her guru and her shrink. And-

Ken Page:
And you describe that in the book as really kind of a journey, like really a journey. And I would love for you to talk about that for everyone who’s listening now who is not in a relationship or is in a new relationship, how do you approach this intimacy journey as an adventure? How do you de-center from I am just going to get this one dream, this one thing that I want, and saying yes to this deeper and bigger adventure?

Arielle Ford:
Well, for Holly, she had no choice. She was at the bottom of the pit. She was at a total loss. The only thing she measured every day was her misery level. She tracked “how miserable am I today”? So all there was for her to do was to survive the next five minutes and the next five minutes. And she had totally given up on the possibility of anything.

And for me, in my own life, what I’ve noticed is that the times when I’ve been at the very bottom where I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse, what I eventually discovered was all of those things, like if I had to go back and redo my life now, I wouldn’t erase those horrible moments because they were the birthing ground for everything I became and who I am and all the joy that I have today. So that I want-

Ken Page:
Would you be willing to give us one example?

Arielle Ford:
Oh, sure. Yes. In 1990 or ’91, I had a very large, very successful Beverly Hills business. And then the recession hit, and I have a college degree, but not an MBA. I didn’t know what a recession was, but what did happen was that in six weeks, I lost 80% of my clients and I had 4,000 square feet of office space, and I had a dozen employees and no income and no understanding of where new clients would come from because my clients love me.

They all called with the same conversation, we love you, you’re the best at what you do, we can’t afford you. So I had to let go of my entire staff except for one part-time person.

Ken Page:
Wow.

Arielle Ford:
I had to break my lease and I got an office space that was 300 square feet. It was essentially a closet in a office building. And at the same time this was going on, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I got Epstein-Barr. So I was sick, I was heartbroken, I was financially broke. I had lost, I was having an ego death because who am I if I’m not the successful business person? And I didn’t…

Ken Page:
Which you were so well.

Arielle Ford:
Know how to fix it. I didn’t know how to fix it or what was going to happen. And I already had my core wound growing up, and to some degree is occasionally now, poverty consciousness. So now I’m like, oh my God, am I going to lose my condo? Am I going to lose my sports car? How am I going to pay to get a manicure? I was doing my own nails for the first time since I was seven. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

Ken Page:
Wow.

Arielle Ford:
And so I just, and that lasted for almost a year, and that’s when I really started to read more spiritual books and really try to figure out or start to trust God, trust the universe that out of this horror show something would come. And it did.

It happened when I got my copy of Time Magazine came in the mail one day, and on the cover was the picture of Planet Earth taken from space, the big blue ball, the one that we’ve seen from NASA. And I was looking at the picture of Earth, and I thought to myself, because I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a living at that point either, I thought, oh my God, what if I decided that my next career, whatever it’s going to be, I will only represent people, places, and things that are good for the planet. And suddenly I had this mission statement. I didn’t know what that work would be.

And then the next day, somebody called and took me to lunch and they said, “Oh, well, if you could represent anybody in the world, who would it be?” And I said, “Oh, there’s this man, I’m sure you’ve never heard of him.” This is 1991. “His name’s Deepak Chopra, and I would like to represent him.” And my friend said to me, “Well, strangely enough, I do know who he is.” Deepak was not yet famous. He said, “My friend Penny works for him.”

That afternoon, this woman, Penny, called and she said, “Oh, Dr. Chopra called me from Boston this morning and said to find him a publicist. And I hear you’re a publicist. He’ll be in town next week. I’ll set up a meeting.” I go to the meeting, he’s 20 minutes late, he walks in, he doesn’t apologize for being late. He looks at his watch and he says to me, “I only have five minutes.”

And I said, “I only need two.” He said, “Go.” I said, “If you’re half as smart as I think you are, you’ll hire me.” And he said, “Deal.” And we went on to work together for 12 years, which was the start of me representing all kinds of famous people. People I made famous in the self-help spirituality word. And we’re still really good friends, he text me all the time, we’re still very close.

So would I go back now and change the horror show of losing my business, my health, and my relationship? Absolutely not, because I couldn’t have imagined the pivoting my life took once I saw that I wanted to impact the globe on a good level, and then somebody asked me the right question, and one thing led to another.

Ken Page:
So there had to, this radical deconstruction of everything you had built had to happen for you to be able to recreate that. And that’s such an important kind of rich thing, is that deconstruction, which feels like hell, it’s so painful, just really does push us to grow.

And then I guess, you’re also speaking about the pain period, and then the period of new insights beginning to bubble. Oh, maybe there could be something else, and then kind of the universe conspiring with that. But when the things all fall apart, when that deconstruction happens, it’s so hard to see that.

Arielle Ford:
And I didn’t see it right away either. All I knew was that I wanted to work with this one person. I didn’t know it was going to turn my life into this whole new career. And I think the most important lesson I learned from that whole period of my life was learning to be with not knowing, learning to be okay with uncertainty.

And it didn’t happen overnight, it’s taken me decades, really, of conscientiously wanting to be okay with uncertainty, because I like things to be black and white, this is how it’s going to be. But I see now that the lessons of learning how to be with what is, learning how to dance with uncertainty, surf the waves of uncertainty, to be with not knowing is the greatest skill I could have ever learned.

 

Turn your mate into your soulmate:

 

Ken Page:
Amazing. Who do you find yourself becoming when you can live with that uncertainty? Describe the essence of who Arielle becomes when you do that? When you’re in that place that you’re living with that strange and difficult and often scary edge of uncertainty, but you’re in it and you’re riding it. Could you talk about the you that you experience?

Arielle Ford:
Well, it’s just this sort of lightness of being that isn’t there when I’m contracting and in fear and worry and anxiety. So at that point, I have a choice, and I can say, I can notice, oh, yes, my adrenaline’s running, I’m in fight or flight, I’m worrying ridiculously, what can I do?

And I have this spiritual toolkit that I’ve built over the years that I use on a daily basis. So it might be EFT tapping, it might be the Sedona Method, I might use my HeartMath Inner Balance app to do my deep breathing and focus on feelings of love and appreciation and gratitude, it might be in an aromatherapy bath, I might go for a walk, I might just ask Brian for a 20 second hug.

I have all these things I can use, but in the past, when I would get to these heightened states of anxiety or fear or whatever it might be, I’d get out my spiritual toolkit. And it’s something I’ve been building over the decades, and it includes EFT tapping, and the Sedona Method, and HeartMath, my Inner Balance app that I use from them, or an aromatherapy bath, or going for a walk, or asking Brian for a 20 second hug.

And I take responsibility for the fact that I’m wigging out because I know I have a choice. I can go with the negative emotions and feel like crap, or I can take a deep breath and decide to become an emotionally mature woman. I need my tools. Just like you have an outdoor voice and an indoor voice, I get my toolkit out.

Ken Page:
I love that. That’s such a rich thought. Everyone really developing their own toolkit. I have a toolkit too, that I’ve developed through the years. So I really love that and believe in that. Say something about when you start feeling that in your relationship, when things get difficult, when things get rocky, and one of your fabulous books is, what is the exact title? How to Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate?

Arielle Ford:
Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.

Ken Page:
I love that book. But in that book, that’s something that you talk about a lot, but could you say something about when you’re in a relationship and you could feel the part of you gripping and going into old patterns and that choice not to do that, if you could say anything about that?

Arielle Ford:
Well, there’s a couple of things. I refuse to engage in anger or negativity when I’m feeling that. So I excuse myself and I go get myself into a heart-neutral space. I go and find out, okay, what’s triggered me? Where can I own this? Or maybe I don’t own it, but I give myself a break. I don’t go down that road.

So I go and get my spiritual toolkit out, and then I like to practice something that I made up, it’s called Wabi Sabi love. Wabi Sabi is an ancient Japanese aesthetic that seeks to find beauty and perfection in imperfection, and most of the time it’s related to art or to objects.

But with Wabi Sabi love, we seek to find the beauty and perfection in our imperfections in both ourselves and our partners. So I’ll go and see what has to happen here? How can I reframe what’s happening? Because usually, at least in our relationship, it’s not big things that drive us crazy, it’s little things that drive us crazy about each other.

I’ll give you one really fun example, but it was highly annoying. When Brian and I first got together, I would notice, I’ll get a little thing to explain this with, and I would noticed that I’d go into the bathroom and my tube of toothpaste would be mangled from the middle.

Ken Page:
Such a guy thing.

Arielle Ford:
Right? And I’d say to him, “Honey, come here. Let me show you the proper way to get toothpaste out of a tube. And you squeeze from the bottom, and then you roll it up, and then you get all the toothpaste out and it looks nice.” And he would look at me and walk out.

I did this about three times, and I realized that wasn’t working. And then I thought to myself, well, why does this bother me? I don’t know why it bothers me. I just don’t like seeing my toothpaste looking like this. How can I fix it? Well, I thought, I’ll get two tubes of toothpaste, his and hers, but the truth is I would still see his like this and it would bother me.

So finally, I decided to talk to the toothpaste, and I put the toothpaste in the palm of my hand, and I said, “Okay, toothpaste, tell me what’s good about you.” And then the toothpaste spoke back to me and it said, “Thank God you married a man who brushes his teeth.” And from that day on, and to this day, because he still does this, every time I see the mangled tube of toothpaste, I smile because I realize we’re getting old now. We’re growing old together, and he still has all his teeth because he brushes his teeth. That’s Wabi Sabi love.

Ken Page:
I love it. I was on a vacation with my husband and my sister recently. So there was a shared bathroom, and she came in and she said, “Oh my God, you guys literally torture your toothpaste tube.” I relate to that, but I love that image. I love that image of finding the Wabi Sabi, which is another amazing book you’ve written, Wabi Sabi Love, which I adore.

So there you are with Brian and you’re beginning to feel it get a little heated. Let’s say, you’re getting irritated and annoyed. At what point do you stop it? I’m just curious about this. How far in do you go? How early do you stop it? How is he with that? And then how do you come back to whatever the issue is?

Arielle Ford:
I stop it as fast as possible. I’m conflicted verse anyway, but if he’s getting irritated with me about something, I tend to get defensive and he gets irritated. So I just get out of there because I don’t want to get all defensive. And generally what happens, depending on what side it’s coming from, is we apologize to each other very quickly.

Neither one of us wants to have an upset, especially over stupid shit, and it’s always about stupid shit. And the other thing is, is that you learn people’s bio rhythms. Like Brian smiles in his sleep, he wakes up happy, he’s happy most of the day. But if he’s ever going to be cranky, it’s right before he’s going to sleep. I don’t know what it is about that time of day.

So there are things that I might want to ask him or talk to him about, and I’ll notice, oh, no, it’s a couple of hours after dinner, it’ll wait till tomorrow. So I think really understanding your partner and being respectful of what’s good for them. And then of course, always asking permission. Is this a good time to talk, or when would be a good time to talk? And in Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, I actually have scripts for people to utilize to have difficult conversations.

Ken Page:
Yeah, I love that. I love that in the book. Another thing that I love that I’d love you to just say something about really briefly is you talk in a really funny way for long-term couples about sex and the importance of having sex, even if you don’t feel like it. Could you say something about the healing nature of sex in a loving relationship? What is it that sex does for a couple that is so healing?

Arielle Ford:
I think it’s all about the hormones, the skin on skin, the touching, the feeling. And this is something I learned from John Gray because John, I love John Gray, I think he’s the funniest person on the planet, and he talks about fast food sex, and he’s a big proponent of it. He says there’s fast food sex, and then there’s gourmet sex.

Now, sometimes even if you just want to use sex as a stress reliever, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. And if you want to be a good partner, it’s like, well, yeah, sure, it wasn’t what I had in mind, and there’s other things I’d rather do, but yeah, you want to have a quickie in the laundry room, then let’s just do it. As opposed to, no, I need to be romanced and I need to be this. Just be upfront about it.

It’s like, this is what I want and would now be a good time? And if not, when would be or otherwise, it’s like, I think it’s about having deep care and respect for your partner.

Ken Page:
I think so too. I think it’s an enactment of that there’s some way that sex is this glue, it’s this glue that holds love together and holds relationships together. There is a magic to it.

Arielle Ford:
I would’ve agreed with you when I was much younger, but I’m 70 now. And at this point, it’s like that appetite, that need, that drive that I had in my thirties and forties and fifties, it was so like I have to have it. I have to say at this point in my life, I’m so glad that’s gone. Now it’s just pure choice.

Ken Page:
Yes. It’s like a fever the other way. Yes.

Arielle Ford:
Yeah. And I have to say, prior to being married,  it often got me into trouble. So I think you just have to decide what’s right for you and what’s right for the relationship and make your choices out of what’s best for the relationship. Brian and I always had this agreement that when it came to big decisions that we wouldn’t do, what does he want or what does I want and then we compromise. We would make the decision based on what’s best for the relationship.

Ken Page:
Beautiful. I love that. Yeah. Well, Arielle, I know we just have a few minutes left. I want to ask you one last question, which is for all the people on this path of working through relationships and intimacy, what’s the message from your heart that just at this moment you most feel compelled to share?

Arielle Ford:
Yeah. So I recently wrote about this in my newsletter. We all know The Beatles’ song, All You Need Is Love.

Ken Page:
Yes.

Arielle Ford:
And I believe that is one of the biggest fattest lies on the planet, all you need is love. It’s a great song, but if you’re looking for a long-term, committed, serious relationship, love is not enough. It just isn’t. It’s not going to get you through.

So if you’re out there seeking a partner, you want to make sure that it’s somebody with whom you have connection, compatibility, chemistry, clear communication. And from the research I’ve done, the single most important predictor of a long-term relationship working is a shared vision for the future.

That’s the most important thing. So you could meet somebody and the hormones are flying and the sparks are flying, and oh my God, I’ve known you for three days, I feel like I’ve known you forever, you’re the one. And you’re now having this drug experience. It’s your brain on drugs, it’s your system on drugs.

What I call the socially acceptable form of insanity, thinking that the state of being in love has anything to do with love, which it doesn’t. But you’ve got to be really smart about it. So yes, there’s lots of good feelings that come with having a long-term loving relationship, but all you need is love, it’s not going to last. So you need to find the rest.

Ken Page:
I love it. I love your practicality.

Arielle Ford:
Yeah.

Ken Page:
Thank you, Arielle. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for all of the body of work you’ve put into the world, your new fabulous book, The Love Thief, which I adore and highly recommend. Thank you for being my friend and for being a fairy godmother of love to so many people. And how can people get in touch with you and learn more about your work?

Arielle Ford:
I’m really easy to find. I’m online. It’s my name dot com, arielleford.com is my website. My book site is called thelovethief.com. And if you order the book, there’s an incredible bonus package of all these yoga poses to overcome negative emotions. And I’m on Instagram, @arielleford44.

Ken Page:
Beautiful. Well, Arielle, you are a joy. I’m so grateful for you in my life. I’m so glad to have you on the podcast. Thank you everyone for listening, and I look forward to connecting on the next episode. Thank you.

Arielle Ford:
Thank you.

 

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