Learn to create a profile that attracts real love–through techniques you’ve probably never been taught.

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How To Create A Profile That Actually Works

Creating An Online Profile That Draws Real Love

How do you create an online profile that really works? And what does really working mean? It means that it draws people who are right for you. Stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating® podcast to learn some of the key tools that will help you create a profile that will speed your path to healthy love.

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Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Deeper Dating® Podcast. I am Ken Page. I’m the creator of the new Deeper for Good™­­ dating app. I’m the author of the bestselling book Deeper Dating and your host on this podcast. I’m so glad to be here with you today because I’m gonna be talking about how to create a profile that really works for you, and how you use online dating. We’ll get into that a little bit, too, in ways that really work for you. But, first, I just want to say a few different things.

One, I want to say that if you’re interested in the deeper dating path to richer Intimacy in your life, self-love that leads to true love. Just go to DeeperDatingPodcast.com. There, you’ll find transcripts of all of my 240 episodes or something like that. There’s lots of information. You can join my mailing list there as well. And, if you are single and looking for healthy love, go to DeeperForGood.com. This app is going live in a few weeks. And it’s been my dream to create an app based on everything I believe in. It’s kind of like a magic playland that has dignity and kindness and care and intimacy. It’s a way for single people to meet and it also has lots of different kinds of events. So, DeeperForGood.com.

And, with that, let me jump into talking about your profile. So, the thing about online dating is, like, it hurts because it’s so transactional. And the online dating industry is failing and we know that it’s failing because downloads are dropping dramatically. People are exhausted. We know that swiping creates anxiety. It creates depression. What I call swipe circuitry de-dignifies people. It takes them out of their hearts, out of their humanity and into this kind of grab the brass ring, play a number’s game, look and look and look.

Swiping creates anxiety and takes us out of our humanity. It's time to build a dating profile that leads with our soul. Share on X

And, I get it because I spent decades doing exactly that. A lot of that was before online dating existed because I’m 69 years old, but I know what that is like. And, I know how seductive it is and how you feel. It’s like a slot machine. If you just try again, if you just keep trying, you are so much more likely to get what you want because there’s so many possibilities out there. But somehow, it doesn’t seem to work that way.

The online dating industry’s response to this has been three different things. One, to create more immediacy. There’s somebody right near you right now, to create more quantity. There are more people that you could choose from and to create novelty. Bells and whistles that seem cool and interesting and mimic intimacy. But none of those things work because if you do not start with a foundation of respect for the true skills of intimacy, you will go off course. You’ll strengthen circuitries of how people meet that don’t really help them find healthy love.

Which is why it has been so exciting for me to create Deeper for Good™. And I can’t wait to see so many of you people there, but in the Deeper for Good™, I teach people as they create their profile, how to do it differently that’s built into the landscape and the community. And, by the way, it’s launching in about four weeks. By the time you get this, it’ll be launching in one or two weeks. But if you go to DeeperForGood.com, you will be on the mailing list. You will be a founding member. And, they’ll be perks in benefits that go with that.

Screening For The Three Cs Of Relationship Character

What does it mean to have a dating profile, an online dating profile that works? Well, what does working mean? Does it mean it gets you more people? Does it mean it gets you more notice? I would say, no. It does not mean those things. I think it means that it’s screens for and that it attracts and that it invites the kind of people who are the kind of people you are looking for. The kind of people who value the things that matter.

 

Hara Marano, the editor at large of Psychology Today, in an interview with me. She said, “It’s screens that we need to screen for the three Cs.” And, the three Cs are character, character and character. Yes, you have to be attracted to the person. Absolutely, but character is everything. You want goodness. You want decency. You want someone who will be true and real even when it’s hard. You want someone who values kindness and understanding. You want someone who communicates. You want someone with generosity of spirit.

If your profile gets you less people, in general, but more people with those qualities. Then, you are dating profile works. I’m going to give you a few tips in this episode for how to do that and how to create that. I guess let’s start with username. You want a username that captures who you are. Give yourself a little bit of time to think about it, to play with it. I know you know this. You don’t want something that says that you’re hot or sexy or anything like that. Even though, God knows you may be wonderfully hot and sexy and every one of you are, in your own way. But, that’s not what you want to put in your username.

Why Your Profile Photo Must Capture Your True Soul

You want a username that captures something about who you are and what matters to you. That’s one piece, and I’m going to jump right now to photos because I think photos are a really important thing. You know that you want photos that make you look good. That you’re proud of, where you just look good in them and it’s worth the time and the effort to find those photos, to get those photos, to go to a professional photographer, to go to a friend who is really good with photography. It is worth the money.

If your profile gets you fewer matches but leads to people with genuine character, then your dating profile actually works. Share on X

Somebody I know. A coach I know said that, “If there’s any goal that you have, you need to be ready to invest time and money into that goal.” And, I think that, in most cases, that is really usually true. But this is really important. You want photos that show the human being you really are. You want photos that capture your heart. You want photos that someone who is like a best friend would look at that photo and say, “That’s you. That really captures who you are.”

And trust your friends with that because in your head, you’re going to be looking for some kind of like, I don’t know, perfection kind of. We easily tend to veer toward that, but your friends know your beauty and they know your inner beauty. They can help you pick the photos that really show who you are. And that, I want you to remember, is your main goal for this profile. It is to show who you really are. That is what you want to do. That is your goal.

And I know that’s scary, but yeah, intimacy is scary. Vulnerability is scary. Being in a relationship where you have to tell the truth about who you are. All of those things are scary, but they are good scary. And, when you show who you are, you tend to filter out the people who are not interested. And, you want those people filtered out. You don’t want to waste your time with them. And that kind of profile will magnetize people who are looking for a beautiful, quirky, decent, caring human you. That’s what you are looking for,

 

There is a level of vulnerability that is a part of this experience, and you want your photos to show it, too. Let your photos be photos that show a glimpse of your soul. And you’ll know those photos when you see them, and they might be a little bit scarier to put in. You want photos where you look good, of course. Absolutely. Hopefully, these are photos where you feel like you look good too, but they are photos that show your humanity and your authentic self.

Loosening Search Filters To Let Love Surprise You

I guess what I’m saying is the ruler, again and again is, does this show my soul? Because you want a soulmate. As Chip Conley, the wonderful New York Times bestselling author said after reading my book Deeper Dating. He said, like the bottom line here is, “If you want a soulmate, you need to learn how to lead with your soul.” You let your profile do that as well. Another point that I want to make is I want to talk to you about the sliders. I mean, your app may have sliders it may not have sliders, but those sliders are age, location. Let’s just start with those two.

In my app, Deeper for Good™, I have little videos where I’m teaching you along the way, how to do this differently, so I can’t wait to see you on there. And they’re like little light bulb moments that teach what research is are saying about how to find love.

The sliders, this is what I deeply recommend. I know you’re thinking of saving time, but in this case, I would say, let that rope get a little bit looser. You want to discriminate but you’d rather discriminate with more knowledge of who the person is.

Let’s say you really don’t want to date anybody who’s more than five miles away, like you live in an urban area. And outside of five miles is outside the urban area or you don’t want to date anyone who’s more than 50 miles away because it’s a schlep. It’s a pain to get in your car and have to drive that far. I get it. I get it. I get it. That is a preference that’s real and true. And you feel it, and it’s your experience. I get it, but this is the question I think that you should be asking yourself. This is like what I want to put out as your question when you do these sliders of age, of build, of distance.

If this person felt like my soulmate, maybe they were a little bit thinner than I like or a little bit bigger than I like but their face is beautiful. Their eyes shine in an amazing way. I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am getting really attracted, and turned on to this person. Even though they may not have been my exact type. You rule out all those options, if you tighten your bandwidth of what you want in terms of age or height or weight or location, so stretch them. Don’t stretch them unrealistically. Don’t stretch them to the point that you know it’s not realistic, but stretch them further than you would normally do.

We think we need to be the flavor of person that everybody wants, but we actually just need to be our own authentic flavor. Share on X

And then, in your interactions with them, decide if it’s worth it to stretch in that kind of way. And, I promise you, often it will. The more you create a profile that really reflects who you are, the more you’re likely to find people with qualities that are so lovely that you are willing to stretch. Here’s another thing that nobody teaches us, type is a kind of plastic thing. And I’m saying this as someone who for years was so unbelievably type bound. Like, you had to be my type, my exact type for me to be anywhere near interested.

It was only when I began to do these shifts of leading with my soul that I started meeting people who had richer, more wonderful soul presence. And, I found that something odd was happening. It was that this type fixation was beginning to loosen and something more spiritual, something more personal started to happen where who the being was started attracting me more. It’s an amazing thing and you will find that all the choices you make to make your profile more authentic will also shift the kind of people you meet. And, over time shift, the kind of people you’re attracted to.

And, if you join my app, if you follow my mailing list, I have courses that teach you how to change your attraction circuitry. And so, just join my mailing list. You’ll get to find out about all of that or join my app. What I want to say here again is just stretch and then get to know the person and see if it’s worth it to keep stretching for them, or maybe it’s not. But, you will not have closed your options off too early. You might meet someone who is so far from where you were thinking you would even be willing to consider, but they are so wonderful and sexy and you feel this draw to them. I say go for it, no matter how far they are, because life tweaks us with love.

 

Very rarely do we find our exact physical type, our exact distance type. Romance tweaks us. The person I married is someone who in my type fixation days. I would not have been interested in it, but now seventeen years later, I find him so beautiful, so sexy, but I had to do that work to change in that way. And just by creating a different profile, you will begin to do that too. Just a few more things I want to say and there’s lots more in my body of work and lots more in other episodes, too, but just a few more things I want to say

Sharing Emotionally Specific Details In Your Story

One is, when you write about yourself. I have a little exercise for you that I really encourage you to do. There’s all the basic stuff that people say they like to laugh, they like to walk on the beach. They love nature. All those things are real. All those things are wonderful, but you want to tell a little bit of a story about how that is true for you. Something that made you laugh. Something that touched your heart. Something that was in an interaction with someone that meant a lot to you. Put that in there.

Do you know why? Because that is your personal beauty and you want people to see that up front. The exercise is not that. It’s this. Think of three things, write them down, that feel a little too vulnerable to share about who you really are. I don’t mean spilling personal things from your personal history that are going to give you a vulnerability hangover. I’m not referring to that at all. I’m referring to things that really move you or things that make you cry or things that really get you excited in life. And you tell a little story about how that was true for you.

Those kinds of stories that actually give something to grab onto, because there is a story about something that feels a little personal that you’re sharing about how the world hits you and makes you feel. A little vulnerable. And also, you tell a story about how that has happened for you. Just a little story. Those are things that are going to disinterest people who are not right for you and kind of amaze people who might be right for you. The flavor of who you are is a very unique flavor. And we think we need to be the flavor that everybody wants, but we need to be the “us” flavor.

Tightening your search sliders locks out potential soulmates. Stretch your preferences and let romance surprise you. Share on X

Is it brave? Yes, it is brave. But, it’s powerful to do. When you do it, you are more likely to attract the kind of person who you are really looking for. What you want to share is, what’s called emotionally specific detail. And as you do that, it’ll feel scary. It’ll feel kind of wonderful. It’ll feel kind of brave and you will experience differences. And those differences replicate the differences you will experience in a healthy relationship with someone who really loves you for who you are.

Again and again, you’re going to have to take these brave micro steps of sharing what you need, who you are, what you want, what you want from them. Speaking of which, I think it’s really nice in a profile if you can talk about what you’re going to be curious about, about the other person. That somehow there could be some framing in there about, “I’d like to know the kind of movies you’d like. I’d like to know what touches you. Who do you like to read? What are the places that bring you happiness?” You could just have a little bit of those questions, too.

Why Consistency Matters After The Initial Spark

Actually, research shows that really intrigues people and helps people in becoming interested. I just want to bring out this point. This is kind of like a contrasting point. On one hand, I would say that until you have a real interaction with the person, I wouldn’t hold it against them completely if they’re a little bit flaky. For example, they leave you a message and you answer and they don’t answer back for a few days but you’ve never spoken yet. You’ve never communicated. I say give people a break because you know people are glutted by 20 million different things in their day-to-day life. God knows in their online life, too.

Moving Away From Transactional Swiping Culture

However, once you’ve spoken, once you’ve connected, once you’ve communicated, they don’t really get that pass anymore. If they’re not showing up in a basically consistent way, that is not an okay sign. That’s just a distinction that I think is important to make. I want to encourage you also to know that swiping is bad for you. And online apps, those apps really sculpt dehumanizing behavior. Deeper for Good™, I believe, does not. And there is no swiping in it, and there is no gatekeeping in basic messaging. There are incredible ways that we actually let people communicate that I don’t think exist anywhere else. You’ll get to see about that, too.

But my point is, apps that are transactional are dehumanizing and depressing. And when you start to feel dehumanized, you then go into what are called the byproducts of disintegration. The stuff that you do when you’re not really emotionally present and we all have our ways of doing that. You might start swiping quicker. You might start looking for your scratch-that each person. You might start looking for validation. Those are all signs that you are slipping out of your good space and that it’s time to take a break from that kind of transactional app.

I spoke with someone from Match.com. It was one of my interviews here and she said, “Do it in 30 minute segments.” But I will say, in Deeper for Good™, it shouldn’t be like that at all because it’s a warm environment. But when you’re doing other apps and there are lots of apps out there, keep that in mind. When you start slipping into these patterns, it is time to take a break because with those kinds of transactional apps, you are running up a down escalator.

Vulnerability is scary, but when you show who you really are, you filter out the wrong people and draw in the right ones. Share on X

It takes work. It takes energy. It takes willpower to stay in your humanity. And willpower is a resource that depletes. We only have but so much. Just something to keep in mind. I really do encourage you too, to get off the app and start interacting with people in real ways like a phone call. Actually, we have something in Deeper for Good™, which is called a Mini Date, where you get to have video interactions that are curated to help you kind of find a good way to connect, break the ice, and see the best parts of each other. That’s just another point that I want to make.

And the final point that I want to make is, that one of the best ways to find love is through shared experiences with people who share your deepest values. And you’ll be hearing about a lot of those events that actually live on and through my app. I’m really excited about that. There’ll be classes. There’ll be courses. There’ll be volunteer work opportunities. They’ll be supporting campaigns, which I think is such an important thing now as we move toward the midterms and we want to bring back justice, diversity, decency, constitutionality, the rule of law, and humanity.

There’ll be lots of those different opportunities but those are great ways to meet people, in shared experiences around the things you value most. Use the apps but use them wisely. Bring your humanity and bring everything back to, am I showing me? That’s the big question. And, when you do that, your experiences will shift and I would love to hear about those shifts. Write to me and let me know. Thanks so much for listening. I look forward to connecting on the next episode of the Deeper Dating® Podcast. I will see you at Deeper for Good™.

 

Important Links

• Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
• Deeper For Good
• Deeper Dating Podcast
• Hara Marano on LinkedIn
• Chip Conley on LinkedIn
• Match.com