What is your next brave step in your intimacy journey? Today I share four illuminating and exciting intimacy challenges that will help you to become a better and more connected version of yourself. These four practices can help you soften your heart and feel accomplished. They also give you the confidence to know what it feels like to grow around love.
Listen in to learn how to shift your definition of success in love and why you should find a learning partner in the search for love.
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- How to feed your heart during the holidays
- Why should you find a learning partner in the search for love
- How to up-level your search for love
- How to shift your definition of success in love
- What is love asking of you right now
4 Delicious Intimacy Challenges For You:
- Be a gift to yourself
- Find a learning partner buddy
- Find your next brave step
- Ask what is love asking of you right now in your life
- Get a copy of Deeper Dating by Ken Page
- Join the Coaching and Mentorship Intensive with Ken Page
- Connect with us on Instagram
When you up-level the way you look for love, you up-level the kind of love that you’re going to find. In this episode, I’m going to give you four delicious challenges, four practices that will up-level and enhance and deepen your entire intimacy journey. So stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating Podcast.
Hi, everybody, this is Ken Page, and welcome to the Deeper Dating Podcast. Today I’m going to teach you four practices that you will find, I believe, illuminating, exciting, entertaining, and will really up-level your intimacy journey. I love each one of these, and I think each one will make you into a richer, more connected version of yourself.
So before I jump in though, I just want to say that in this episode and every episode, I try to share with you the greatest tools and insights that I know to help you find love and keep it flourishing and heal your life in the process. Because the skills of dating are the skills of intimacy, which are the greatest skills of all for a rich and meaningful life.
And if you’d like to know more about the Deeper Dating path to deeper intimacy, you can just go to deeperdatingpodcast.com. You will get free gifts if you sign up for my mailing list, and you can also get transcripts of every single episode. Okay. So with no further ado, I’m going to jump in.
Well, I just want to say first that this is the holiday season, and holiday season is very much about gifts for those of you that celebrate. And so, we are going to start out with the first practice, being a gift to yourself. It’s a love practice, it’s a self-love practice.
And so, what I’d like to ask you to do is to think about a gift that you could give yourself, whether it’s the holiday season or you’re listening to this at a different time. But I’d like you to think about a gift that you could give yourself that is cozy and nourishing and will make you feel cared for by you, a gift that you wouldn’t normally give yourself.
So I encourage you to just take a moment and think about that, because the act of giving ourselves a gift is really an act of self-love. And I know that for me, the big ongoing gift I give myself is to check things off my to-do list. That is my major gift to myself, is to get things done.
But that’s not really a fun gift. So I want to encourage you to think of a gift that will feed your heart, something that will really feed your heart. It might be even a little bit extravagant for you, but something that will feed your heart, that your kind of inner self will recognize that you’ve kind of gone out of your way to make this gift happen. Bubble baths are nice. I’m talking something a little bit bigger here.
It doesn’t have to involve money, but it will probably involve money or time or attention or effort. It’ll be a give. It’ll be an ask that you get to ask of yourself and give yourself.
So that’s number one. And I’d love to hear, if you want to respond and just tell me what the gift is that you gave yourself. I would adore hearing that, and I could share this with my audience as well. So that’s the first gift.
And now we’re going to get into kind of deeper gifts that will help you up-level your search for love. And something that I want to say about the search for love is that it can be hard, it can be grueling, it could be disappointing. It takes work. I’m going to say something about the power of work, a beautiful story in a moment.
But I just want to say that this is… It’s not easy. It’s not an easy journey for so many of us, and it takes time. Even when we apply these tools of mindfulness, there’s still the period of disappointment, of waiting, of trying, of waiting for that magic to happen.
And in my experience, the single greatest gift that we can give ourselves is the felt experience of, “Oh, I am growing. I am changing the way that I do this. My heart is softening. I’m getting wiser. I’m getting more discriminating. I’m getting more self-loving.”
When we feel that, and then take the time to recognize our growth, I just feel like we really need that to be able to sustain this very complex journey of finding love, or keeping love alive when it’s difficult.
The act of giving ourselves a gift is really an act of self-love. Click To Tweet
So that’s the first thing I want to say, is that that’s the gift of each one of these practices, these next three practices that I’m going to give you, is that I believe they will help you do that. They will help you feel like you’re growing around love and they’ll give you that felt sense of accomplishment, softening of heart.
They say that the human heart gets flinty and hard really quickly. So we need to do ongoing things and have ongoing reminders that soften our heart. And each one of these practices does that.
What I want to really encourage you to do, if you can, is do at least some of them with a learning partner. In everything I teach, in my intensives, in my courses, in my book, I build everything around encouraging people to try to do this with a learning partner.
Watch the episode here:
Every piece of my curriculum has a learning partner exercise that goes with it. So why? It makes it fun, it makes it connected. It gets you out of ruts that you might not even realize you’re in. It encourages you to push further. And all of those things when they happen in the arena of looking for love, all of those things change your choices. And that means changing your future, which is a big and beautiful thing. So I really want to encourage you to, at least with some of these, find a learning partner buddy.
And you can go to deeperdating.com, and if you put in your profile as you do it, you can say that you’re open to finding a learning partner, and you can actually search for learning partners. And we have hundreds of learning partners around the world who are looking for other learning partners to do this with for free. So I just want to offer that as well.
And now I want to tell this story. My mom, who is a 94-year-old street artist and a very amazing person, broke her shoulder and her hip, and got better, but it was a journey. And I visited her in the hospital. And at one point she said to me, she said, “Ken, I have realized why I believe in the power of work so much.”
And she said, “It’s like you enter into this room, and in this room there’s this mountain of stuff. And it’s stuff that you would do anything to be able to avoid. And you don’t want to do it. You just don’t want to do it. But you kind of have to if you want to move on. So you face this work, whatever it is,” which in this case is our intimacy journey and whatever is next for us. The invitations and the challenges that the conscious, mindful journey is filled with, that’s the work.
So she said, “And then, if you do the work, the wall opens up behind that room, and the next room becomes available to you. But it doesn’t become available until you do the work of that room.” Some of you may have heard that story, others of you have not, but I love it and I think it’s so true. So let’s jump in and do the work.
Shift your definition of success in love:
Okay. So I’m going to start with a pretty simple exercise that a friend of mine taught me that I love. And he taught me this exercise during the time of my life that I was single and I was using him as a mentor. And he said, “I’m single, too. And this is a process that I do, whether I go to a bar or whether I go to a club or whether I go to a…”
We went to lots of bars and clubs. This was when I was much younger. “Or a party or a gathering or anything like that. What I do is I figure out an intention that is going to be my growth intention for this time, especially if it’s a challenging thing,” which bars and clubs are pretty challenging. Parties could be challenging, too. Lots of things could be challenging.
But so he said, “I figure out an intention. And the intention might be that I’m going to smile at people and not just home in on the people I’m immediately attracted to looking for love. I’m going to smile at people and I’m going to interact.”
Another might be that you go up to people, you go up to, let’s say, three people or two people or one person. Another intention might be that if you find that you’re starting to deflate, you separate and you call a friend or you do a little practice, but that you take care of yourself.
It might be that you stay longer than you usually do. It might be that you stay shorter than you usually do. But it’s a practice that you feel has a hallmark of the personal wisdom that you’re needing now, that you’re going to practice.
They say that the human heart gets flinty and hard really quickly. So we need to do ongoing things and have ongoing reminders that soften our heart. Click To Tweet
So if you do this with a friend, you can bookend it, meaning before you do this thing, whatever it is, you tell your friend, “This is my intention.” And when you’re done, you contact your friend and you say, “Here’s how it went.” And you kind of look at it together. And your friend maybe will have an adventure, too, and do the same thing, so you both could share your intentions with each other.
But what’s wonderful about this is that you shift your definition of success from, “I got what I wanted. I got a good date. I met somebody nice. I met somebody I’m interested in.” God knows, that very, very, very well is probably if you’re single, going to be a hope. But your definition of success is whether or not you did this intention. And I love that process and I really, really believe in it.
So you might even want to pause the recording for a minute and think about that. What is an upcoming event? It’s the holidays, lots of events. And what is an intention that you could set? And it’s an intention that will give you wisdom, will give you self-love, will give you ease, will help you be more friendly. Ultimately, it’s an intention that sparks some kind of deeper intimacy, self-love, self wisdom than you might normally have.
And you’re just going to practice that at this event. So take a minute to think about what that might be. And also take a minute to think about who might be a friend that could be a learning partner. They don’t have to be single, they don’t have to be coupled. It’s just someone who loves growth and is going to be willing to do this with you.
Find your brave next step:
Okay. So the second one connects to the first, and it is thinking about what is your next brave step? Because with all of the wisdom work that you might be doing, all of the practices you might be doing, brave steps are kind of the yeast that make the bread rise.
So it’s really important to think about what your organic next brave step is going to be. I want it to be a little scary. I definitely want it to be a little bit scary, a little bit of an uphill climb for you, not so much so that you’re paralyzed, but enough that it’ll juice you. In other words, you’ll be scared first, and then you’ll do it and you’ll probably feel really good after you do it.
It might be reaching out to somebody who you’re interested in. It might be going to an event you have wanted to go to with other people who share your values, best, best, best, best way to meet somebody. It might be having a conversation with someone that feels really important to help you get to the next step of closeness with that person.
But take a minute right now to think what is your next brave step in your intimacy journey? It might be to take a course. It might be to read a book. It might be to begin practicing meditation. It might be to get a coach. It might be to get a therapist. It might be to join one of my future intensives. It could be lots of different things.
It doesn’t matter what it is, but just take a minute now to think, “What is my next brave step at this point in my life?” And think of what it is. And whatever it is, so then next brave steps are really cool, but having a learning partner or a learning buddy or a bookend buddy where you could say, “I am going to do this by such-and-such a date.”
With all of the wisdom work that you might be doing...brave steps are kind of the yeast that make the bread rise. Click To Tweet
In my intensive, that’s something we do at a certain point. We create a next brave step posse, small groups within the intensive that people think about what it is that they want to commit to. And then, they’ve got this little posse.
So you might do that, too. You might have a next brave step posse. It might be more than just one person. It might be a few of you, but it will add oxygen and juice and life to your journey. It will give you the gift of a somewhat different future because you’ve added this color, this life into what you’re committing to do. It is a great, great gift to yourself.
So think about what it is, and I really encourage you right after you listen to this episode, and I’m so thankful to all the people who listen to these episodes. It means the world to me. I’m excited for you. And I would love, love, love, love, love to hear your stories as you do this. What was your next brave step? Also, that’s probably going to be a gift to the community, because it’s going to be an intimacy brave step, and it’s going to be one that many other people might do as well.
Listen for what love is asking of you:
Okay. So the next one. The next one is, and this is the last one, and it’s a really powerful one. And I’ll tell you the story behind it. I have a friend who’s a Quaker. And so, her marriage was a Quaker ceremony.
And in a Quaker ceremony, there are periods of silence where people aren’t obligated to speak, but they wait until they’re kind of quaking, until the spirit really kind of moves them, that there’s something they want to say, if there is something they want to say. And then, they get up and say it.
So at their wedding, an elderly woman got up and she said, “I’ve been married for,” however many decades it was, a really, really long time. And she said, “This is what has kept my marriage alive.” She said, “I keep asking myself this question. ‘What is love asking of me now?'” And she said, “I ask it during good times, and I ask it during challenging times as well. ‘What is love asking of me now?'”
And I’m going to do a process with you right now in this podcast. So what I’m going to do is I am going to ask you this question, that very same question, a few times. I really encourage you to stick with me. I know it’s a kind of strange thing to do, but we’re going to live this right now.
I am going to ask you that question, and I’m going to ask you to speak your answer if you’re alone, whisper your answer if there are people somewhat close, or think your answer if you can’t even whisper it. But I’m going to ask you this question maybe three or four times, and each time just go a little bit deeper in thinking of what your answer is.
And if you need to pause, I’m going to give a little break in between each time, just a short break. So if you want to pause and take more of a break, do that. But this is a kind of an archeological process where you dig to the next level of what your being at this moment is calling out to you.
So what is love asking of you right now in your life? Take a minute to answer that. I’m going to ask it again and see what answer comes to you. And again, you can pause it to get a longer time. What is love asking of you now in your life? If your answer touches you, let that emotion just ripple inside of you. What is love asking of you right now at this time in your life? What is love asking of you?
Good. Now, if you want to do this practice more, you could just rewind a little bit or you could just ask yourself the question repeatedly as many times as you want to do. But see what came to you. If any of you want to write to me and share with me what came to you, I would love to hear it. But I do encourage you to share it with someone you trust so that you have someone to help you scale that next hill, that next small mountain, that incline that love is asking of you now in your life.
That experience of saying, “I’m really growing in love. I’m learning.” And this is something I say all the time, that there is not a day that I am not humbled by how much I need to learn about love, how much I can have clay feet when it comes to love and intimacy, not a day, not a day.
So I encourage you to take these practices, make them yours, enjoy them, build them into your life like you would build exercise into your life. And that fabulous feeling when you exercise of that increased blood flow, that increased vitality, that increased aliveness, that you will be able to experience that as well in your intimacy journey.
So thank you so much for listening, and I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode of the Deeper Dating Podcast. And I’d love it if you could subscribe, leave me a review, any of those things. That’s a tremendous help to me and to this podcast and to this work. So thank you all, and have a great few weeks.
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