Along your path to Deeper Dating, it is important that you ask yourself questions about your dating patterns and personal development. Did you know that there are specific skills and behaviors that are just about guaranteed to lead you in the direction of healthy love? If you can train yourself in these skills, you are much more likely to find a lasting and healthy relationship. So what are these skills? Listen to this episode to find out.

Learn why we are attracted to people who are not good for us and how and why we should own our flaws.

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Show Notes:

 

  • What skills do you need to find healthy love
  • How to own your flaws
  • Should you show your soft side when dating
  • Why are we attracted to people who are bad for us
  • What are the two circuitries of attraction

 

Important Links:

 

 

6 month coaching and mentorship intensive with Ken Page

 

Your Personal Checklist: The Actions That Lead to Real Love

 

There are specific and quantifiable skills and behaviors that you can do that are just about guaranteed to lead you in the direction of healthy love. Stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating® podcast to learn what they are.

Hello and welcome to the Deeper Dating® podcast. I’m Ken Page, your host. I’m a psychotherapist, I’m a coach. I’m the author of the bestselling book, Deeper Dating, How to Drop The Games of Seduction and Discover The Power of Intimacy and the creator of The Deeper Dating® Intensive. And I am so excited to get to speak with you today about a quantifiable checklist that you can use to help speed your path to love, and to evaluate how you’re doing in your search for love.

So let me just say though that if you’re interested in what I share, please feel free to leave a review, to subscribe, and also, if you’d like a transcript of this episode, you can just go to deeperdatingpodcast.com. And if you join my mailing list, you’ll get lots of free resources as well as this checklist in much, much greater detail, which you can use as a self-evaluation tool. So let me jump right in.

 

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But let me say first that I just came back from a vacation in New Orleans with my husband and it was a very, very beautiful experience. And so there we were in Louisiana and we were in front of this ancient, ancient oak tree. And Walt Whitman is one of my favorite poets, and I really love his work. When I was 12 years old, I would sleep with his book, Leaves of Grass. And like a visionary, spiritual, sensual, kind of gay, brilliant poet, I mean, oh my God, that was, back in those days, that was just, I can’t even describe what a breath of fresh air that was.

So then there I was and I said, “Greg, there’s a poem about being in Louisiana by Walt Whitman about a live oak tree.” And so I found that poem and I read it to him, and it was about the importance of connection and about this beautiful oak that was so alone, but he said he could never be alone. And then that made me read another poem of Walt Whitman’s, which is called “When I Heard at the Break of Day”, and you can look it up and it’s one of the most beautiful, beautiful love poems that I know.

 

If you are breathing, you have fear of intimacy because intimacy is the most precious thing of all. Share on X

 

So I read that to Greg while we looked at this oak tree together and I cried a little bit and he put his hand on my leg and it was just a really beautiful moment. So I just thought I would share that because I just got back from New Orleans and it’s just one of my favorite cities in the world. And my book Deeper Dating is in their public library. So that made me really happy as well.

So let me share with you, in creating my Deeper Dating® intensive, what I’ve done, and this is a super, super recent thing, no intensive has gotten it yet, but the next intensive will be getting it and the current intensives will be getting it as well.

And what it is a quantifiable checklist of 40 behaviors and shifts that you can make that I truly, truly believe, if you make these shifts, if you follow these points, you will be led so much more directly to healthy love. So I’m not going to go through all 40 of them, but I’m just going to mention the key ones. And I just want to say to you, I really believe that if you buckle yourself in for the ride of following these things, your life will change, your heart will change, your search for love will change, your attractions will begin to change, and your luck in finding love will also shift.

And I believe this down to my bones. I truly believe it, and I’m very excited about some research that’s going to be done that I believe will back that up.

So let me just share what some of these points are. So they fit into five different categories, and those five categories capture each of the steps of the Deeper Dating® journey, which you can learn about in so many different ways. If you sign up for my mailing list, you’ll get an eBook that captures the heart of these key messages. My book teaches that, my online course teaches that.

And for those people who want to really dive in, my six-month intensives teach that in a powerful way under my guidance. And this podcast is a free and beautiful resource to learn these skills and these techniques and everyone who writes to me and shares with me your experiences with this work means the world to me, folks. So thank you so much for that.

Okay, let’s jump in. The first one is a connection to your Core Gifts. And this is the most complex one. In the intensive, we spend three of six months focusing on this. But what I’m going to say about this is that if you kind of picture the innermost petals of your being, you know how when you look at a flower with a lot of petals, as you get closer to the innermost petals, they are more tender, they’re younger, they’re fresher, they are more vulnerable, and so much more beautiful.

 

Your Personal Checklist: The Actions That Lead to Real Love

Building skill is learning to be real with our power, but kind with our power too: treasuring the ways that we’re peacekeepers, but also learning how to be truth-tellers.

 

And those are those precious innermost parts of ourselves. But those parts of ourselves get us into trouble. Why? Because of their tenderness, because of their fierceness and because of their uniqueness. And all of those things take deep skill to be able to bear in the world. Your qualities of fierceness, your truth telling qualities, your qualities of ambition, your qualities of personal power, those are qualities that can get you into trouble.

Our qualities of deep personal power can get us into trouble, like the ways that we are forces of nature, we get punished for, there’s the tall poppy syndrome where it’s like if you act like you’re too much or you’re perceived as being too much, you get really, really shamed for that. And we’re all kind of herd animals. None of us want to be shamed and ostracized. So we tone our beauty and our genius down.

 

Claim your tenderness and power

 

Another set of Core Gifts is those Core Gifts of vulnerability and sensitivity. Your tears, the things that hurt you, the things that touch you in ways that are so deep that you might feel like you want to block them off, the tenderness and the fierceness, both, of your longing for love, your longing to be seen, to be cherished, to be needed, your longing to depend and your longing to need, your longing to hold, your longing to be held, these are such precious, precious, tender soul qualities and they’re qualities that the marketplace of dating doesn’t really teach us how to treasure and cherish.

In fact, we have to airbrush those qualities so that we look more attractive, seem less intense. Men are shamed for their qualities of too much vulnerability. Women are shamed for their qualities of too much empowerment. The gender binary shames the hell out of all of us, and even a lot of pseudo-spiritual beliefs that tell men that they have to more fiercely embrace their masculinity and be alpha if they’re going to find love from a woman.

 

The more you champion your Core Gifts, the more your self-doubt will diminish. Share on X

 

Women being told that it’s more spiritual to embrace their femininity than their ferocity. These ugly qualities under the guise of sweet spirituality, bug the hell out of me and I think have caused so much damage. And I’m grateful to the queer community for freeing us from those kind of gender binary, electrified trip wires of gender taboo. Anyway, those are only some, and all of us are shamed in some ways for our core gifts.

So the first kind of set of questions is, are you able to honor those parts of yourself? Are you able to share those parts of yourself? In your dating life, are you able to show those aspects of your being? Have you built skill around sharing those parts of yourself? Because when we’re not skilled, we end up either suppressing or acting out around those qualities.

Building skill is learning to be real with our power, but kind with our power, too. Treasuring the ways that we’re peacekeepers, but also learning how to be truth-tellers, like this fine, fine art of being both truth-teller and peacekeeper. That’s an intense thing. That’s a lot of skill, and it can only, only, only, only, only happen in a real way when we claim our tenderness and our power. That’s the only way we can find skill.

 

Your Personal Checklist: The Actions That Lead to Real Love

Your tears, the things that hurt you, the things that touch you in ways that are so deep that you might feel like you want to block them off, the tenderness and the fierceness, both of your longing for love, your longing to be seen, to be cherished, to be needed, your longing to depend and your longing to need, your longing to hold, your longing to be held: these are such precious, tender soul qualities and they’re qualities that the marketplace of dating doesn’t really teach us how to treasure and cherish.

 

So that’s a set of question is, do you show your tenderness? Do you champion it? Do you get away from situations that don’t honor it? Do you honor your fierceness and your power? Do you get away from situations that don’t let you honor it or gaslight you and tell you that there’s something wrong with those parts of your being?

And big, big, big, big, big, in your romantic connections, are you able to hold and show the beauty of your power and the beauty of your tenderness, the beauty of your need, the beauty of your longing, the beauty of your dependence, the beauty of your protectiveness? These are all soul qualities that are so beautiful, but also get us into trouble.

And the key and the root is to be able to name the Core Gifts in these complex qualities and to start by honoring them. Because unless we do, we end up being sexually and romantically attracted to people who aren’t good for us. And try to prove them our worth and our value.

The degree to which we honor and treasure these qualities, the degree to which you actually in the marketplace of dating, honor these parts of yourself, show them and share them, and then look to see who makes space, who can appreciate them, who can see and delight in those qualities, that is the fierceness, that is the bravery, that is the tenderness of true intimacy.

And the degree to which you can do this in your dating life is the degree to which you are going to be attracting people who love you for who you are. So that’s one set. And actually in this checklist, which you’ll be able to get by clicking the link in the transcript, there are 10 of those qualities.

 

Your personal checklist

 

Okay, so the next one is attractions work, because we cannot force our attractions, but we can educate our attractions. So here are some of the key behaviors here that you can rate and evaluate your own growth with.

First of all, let me just explain briefly, and you can find this in all of my work, two circuitries of attraction, Attractions of Deprivation, which is where we’re attracted to people who can’t really love us for who we who we are, and we’re constantly working and trying to get them to be more available, to honor us, to appreciate us, to stop devaluing us, to be present, to want to be with us.

Those are Attractions of Deprivation where we’re constantly doing that uphill battle and they’re sexy as hell because those times when we get what we want, oh God, that feels so good. And it’s kind of the path to hell in love. It feels like love, but it ain’t the kind of love that works. And most of us have spent a lot of time cultivating and pursuing those kind of relationships.

 

Please don't do this alone because you will find yourself repeating old patterns again and again, and not even knowing you're doing it. Share on X

 

But we have another circuitry where we can be sexually and romantically attracted to people who are good for us, who inspire us with their character, with their decency, with their appropriate availability, with their honesty. And let me tell you, when you make the choice, when you make this existential choice that that’s all that you want, your world changes, your search for love changes.

Some people know this from the beginning and they’re a lot happier in love. The rest of us have to learn how to distinguish between… So this is some of the checklist stuff.

Do you know how to distinguish  between your Attractions of Deprivation and your Attractions of Inspiration, and have you made this existential choice to pursue your Attractions of Inspiration? Do you stay away from Attractions of Deprivation even if they’re sexy as hell? Do you notice Attractions of Inspiration and do you pursue them? Are you finding, and this is a magical, magical thing that happens, because if you’re doing this work, this’ll happen, are you gradually noticing and becoming more attracted to Attractions of Inspiration? And are you gradually becoming more allergic to Attractions of Deprivation? If so, three cheers.

Are you finding that you’re somehow meeting more Attractions of Inspiration? If you are honoring your Core Gifts and if you are going through this work around your Attractions of Inspiration and making that choice, if you’re doing that, your field has shifted, your magnetism has changed because you are now organized around an essential self treasuring. And that means that you’re more likely to find people who treasure you and who you will treasure too.

So when that happens, it’s time for what’s next. And that is a bravery, that is getting out there and experimenting and practicing, noticing the differences and the shifts, celebrating those differences and shift because they really, really mean a different future for you, even if you’re in the slog of current dating and haven’t found that person yet. These are the truest, truest signs of hope.

 

Your Personal Checklist: The Actions That Lead to Real Love

Get support in taking your next brave steps because this stuff is hard: your learning partner, your friends will show you and remind you of your beauty when you forget it.

 

So do you get out there in online dating as the authentic you? Now, I want to acknowledge some people don’t want to do that. I respect that. But for those of you who do, are you getting out there and are you not being too formulaic? Are you showing your authentic self? Are you searching for attractions of inspiration within the constructs of these limited online dating venues?

Are you also getting out there in online groups and gatherings with people who share your values? Big one, essential. And are you getting out there in in-person environments where you’re likely to meet the gender or genders that interest you with people with groups and gatherings who share your values and interests?

Folks, got to do that. You got to do it. I know it’s a pain in the ass. It’s hard. It’s scary. But that’s what you got to do. That is your investment. And if you’ve done the other steps, your field has shifted, so things will be different. And all of those times that you sense difference in yourself, celebrate that, honor that and acknowledge that because that’s the stuff of true change and the stuff of finding healthier, real love.

Do you find other inventive ways to connect with people who might be partners? Do you approach people who seem like Attractions of Inspiration even though that’s hard or scary? In dating and in real life, do you open yourself to connections of Attractions of Inspiration? And by real life, what I mean is friendships, relatives, new work connections, this choice to seek out Attractions of Inspiration instead of those scratch the itch, addictive compulsive Attractions of Deprivation.

Do you set boundaries and get away from Attractions of Deprivation? And here’s a big, big, big, big, big one that I really believe. Please do this. Get support in taking your next brave steps because this stuff is hard. And if you have people, this is what my intensives are. In my book, in my course, in everything I do, I teach people, get a learning partner because this is a learning journey. Please, please, please don’t do this alone because you will find yourself repeating old patterns again and again, and not even knowing you’re doing it.

 

Find a learning partner

 

Your learning partner, your friends will show you and remind you of your beauty when you forget it. They will encourage you to do scary things and then report back to them how it went. Trust me, this changes your future. If you mean it, don’t skip that step of getting support and getting help.

Okay, now we move to the next one. Upleveling your relationship circuitries. Are you getting better at identifying your emotional needs and relationships and actually asking in a good way for those needs to be met, including the more vulnerable ones? Are you becoming more aware of the ways that you sabotage intimacy, because we all do that.

If you are breathing, you have fear of intimacy because intimacy is the most precious thing of all. So of course we have these defenses and fears around intimacy. We’ve all been kind of hurt and disappointed as well. So are you able to more and more recognize the ways that you’ve unconsciously pushed love away? Are you in your relationships growing in your ability to address and communicate challenging things in helpful ways, which is that you share what you feel, you say what you mean, but you don’t say it mean?

Finally, if you are doing even a good number of the things I’ve described, I would imagine that there is a growing sense of hope. Unless you’re not getting support, then you could be doing all these things and not have a sense of hope. So that’s why support is so needed. Do you have less feelings of self-doubt? Are they diminishing? And let me tell you, the more you champion your core gifts, the more your self-doubt will diminish.

Do you feel, and this is like a big one, do you feel even slightly more connected to some kind of sense of your own attractiveness, even if not physical, then spiritual and emotional, and maybe allowing yourself to somewhat to delight in your physical attractiveness? Are you able to accept your feelings of need and find ways to share them?

So dear folks, those are the rich, rich questions. And if you go to the transcript, you can actually create a fillable form which you can use to evaluate your progress and growth. But please don’t do it alone. Please don’t do it alone because it’s too hard. And also, this journey is so precious. So follow these kind of… If you are growing with these variables, you, I truly believe this, are moving closer and closer to the healthy love you dream of. These are quantifiable things. So how wonderful that there are quantifiable ways that you can move closer to the love that you dream of.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’d love to hear your responses, and I hope that many of you do go to the transcript, click the link and get this form, this self-evaluation form and work with it, but not alone. And for those of you who are interested in really taking the deeper journey, you can go to deeperdatingintensive.com and you can learn more about the six-month journey that I guide you on.

Thank you all for listening, and I’m excited for all of you as you take on these quantifiable shifts in behavior and watch the magic that they bring, not easy magic, hard work magic, but magic-magic nonetheless. Thanks so much for listening and I look forward to connecting with you on the next episode of the Deeper Dating® podcast.

 

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