If you want to elevate and transform your intimacy journey, whether you’re looking for love or in a relationship—this is the most important first step—and it’s the step that most people choose to leave out. Stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating podcast to learn what this essential step is, and how you can take it now.

If you love the Show, please Subscribe, Rate, Review and Share on Apple Podcasts, or your favorite Podcast Platform! Click here to learn how.

 

Listen For

• 00:00 The Most Important First Step To Transform Your Love Life
• 05:35 How Self-Awareness Reveals The Dating Patterns Holding You Back
• 11:21 Recognizing The Hidden Habits That Shape Your Relationships
• 16:07 Finding Love Through Shared Values And A Better ‘North Star’
• 20:08 Break Unhealthy Cycles With Support, Courage, And Lasting Change

 

Important Links

Get a copy of Deeper Dating by Ken Page

Join the Coaching and Mentorship Intensive with Ken Page

Sign up and join our app Deeper for Good

 

Connect with us

• Facebook
• Instagram
• Twitter/X
• YouTube

—

Watch the episode here

 

 

Listen to the podcast here

 

The First Key To Upleveling Your Love Life (That Almost Everyone Ignores)

The Most Important First Step To Transform Your Love Life

If you want to elevate and transform your intimacy journey, whether you’re looking for love or in a relationship, this is the single most important first step. Stay tuned to this episode of the Deeper Dating Podcast to learn what that step is and how you can use it to elevate your entire intimacy journey. This is the step that most people choose to leave out, but it’s the most important first step, so stay tuned.

—

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Deeper Dating Podcast. I am Ken Page. I’m a Psychotherapist, the Author of the bestselling book Deeper Dating, the creator of the new conscious dating app, which I call the first true intimacy app called Deeper for Good™, available really soon and probably available as this podcast comes out. Deeper for Good™. I’m so excited to see you there.

Today, I want to talk about the single most important first step if you want to elevate, change, transform your search for love. This is the first and most important first step. I’m going to be talking about that in a minute, but first, I just want to say, if you’d like to know more about the Deeper Dating® approach to finding love and intimacy. Just go to DeeperDatingPodcast.com and there, you’ll find about 240 different episodes, transcripts of each episode, covering so many of the areas that you think about when you’re thinking about your own intimacy journey.

And, if you go to DeeperForGood.com, you can sign up and join our new app, which is linked to live events, training, teaching, and so importantly ways to match and meet that are positive, inspiring and connected. I can’t wait to see you there. Okay, so I’m going to jump in. I think just like any time you want to change behavior, there is this first step that is a little troubling but hugely important. A little humbling, but liberating at the same time. Just like the author, Vito Russo, said, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you a little bit miserable.”

But this is a good, good thing and here is what it is. And I just can’t overstate how important this is. If you want to refine and elevate your intimacy journey, whether you’re looking for love, or whether you’re in a new relationship or a long-term relationship. And I think all of us in a moment-to-moment, day-to-day level, of course, want to elevate our intimacy journey.

The place to start is by recognizing your patterns and we skip that step because, it’s kind of this feeling of like, “I know what I need to do. I just need to do it more, or I need to do a little differently or whatever the things that we tell ourselves. The stories that we tell ourselves that end up creating a kind of blanket of vagueness around patterns that we’re enacting. And then we try, and we try, and we try, but we lose so much energy and so much leverage because we haven’t done the wisdom work.

Recognizing your relationship patterns is the essential first step to transforming your love life. Stop skipping the wisdom work. Share on X

The wisdom work is beautiful. It is liberating. It is precious and important. And yes, it definitely takes a student’s mind, a beginner’s mind. An ability to say, “This is not me screwing up. This is me becoming wiser.” So, what does that mean precisely in this arena? This thing of recognizing what our patterns are. Well, I’ll tell you just a couple stories from my life that I think will highlight this. So, there I was, this young guy in Chelsea, the land of gay in New York City, so ready to find love.

I had just moved there. I was in graduate school, and I failed miserably again, and again, and again, and again. And that was the point when I said, “I need to start asking advice,” and I did. I started asking people who were able to get dates and start relationships. I was not successful in these things. Maybe I could get a date, but I was not successful in getting much further than that at all. So, I asked friends who seemed like they had better skill sets than me to tell me what I was doing wrong.

How Self-Awareness Reveals The Dating Patterns Holding You Back

That was step one. I just remember some of the moments of that and I want to share with you because I think they capture what I was doing that didn’t work. I saw a wonderful, wonderful therapist. I told him, “Give me homework assignments,” and he did. These homework assignments were just absolutely amazing and I’m going to share them with you too. First, my roommate Vic, who was really good at dating and really good at meeting people. I said, “You have to come with me into these teeming, exciting, amazing streets of Chelsea.” This was before AIDS.

 

There was this blossoming, this Renaissance that was so beautiful and so exciting, and there were so many people. Anyway, I walked with him and I said, “Tell me what I’m doing wrong.” He said, “Ken, the first thing you’re doing wrong, stop looking at architecture. You are constantly raising your eyes to look at architecture and you’re missing all the people who are passing you in the streets. You’re missing that anybody might even conceivably be looking at you.” This was very funny, but it was true. And it highlighted something that was humbling and real, which I felt really shy about looking and being looked at.

There were a lot of feelings of unworthiness. Not attractive enough. Some kind of deeply implanted shame. I didn’t look people in the eye. I didn’t feel worthy. Now, that’s not such an easy thing to face, but what was easier to face was not that, but the actual behavior. And I wasn’t looking in front of me. So, I practiced looking in front of me, and I noticed that occasionally people would look at me. And that brought me to my next kind of pattern awareness.

When they did, I looked away instantly. I was beyond uncomfortable. I remember a moment going into a store and there was this handsome guy behind the counter and he smiled at me. I could tell that, you know, it was like a kind of flirty smile. Well, I almost ran out of that store because I didn’t know what to do. Another humbling moment where I recognized that I was not able to bear eye contact, so I started bearing eye contact, which was a really good thing.

And then, I went with another friend and this was, I was looking for love in clubs at this point. Not at all the best thing to do, but it’s what I was doing and I learned so much. I went with another friend who was really a coach to me and he said, “Okay, so we’re gonna go to this club and I want you to smile at people. They don’t just have to be the people you’re interested in. I just want you to smile at people.” Well, this was a revelation. I recognized another pattern, which was that I tried to look, I don’t know, sullen, sultry, frowning, something that I had thought was maybe an attractive look, but it was an unfriendly look.

It was not a look that was gonna get me anywhere. And so, I changed that. I began to smile at people and people smiled back at me. I’m not going to continue with my story at this point. Although, God knows, I have a lot more stories about patterns that I noticed, including much more complex ones. However, what I want to do now is ask you a question. What are some patterns that you recognize? And here is why. Two things. One is, if you minimize the power of your patterns, you will keep doing those patterns thinking, “If I just try harder. If I just whatever the if is,” and then you will repeat that pattern and repeat that pattern.

 

You will not get that precious, beautiful experience of humility and awareness, which leads to behavior change. And then, the behavior change that actually just as if you were weaving a tapestry, and you introduced a new design or a new thread or new yarn or new element into that tapestry that would shift the entire future of how that tapestry was built and what it looked like. So too, when you recognize ways that you have enacted patterns and you change them. The tapestry of your future in intimacy will change, which is an amazing, amazing thing.

Let’s talk about this one a little. And I just want to say, in my courses, in my book and actually in my Deeper for Good™ app, I guide you to recognize what these patterns are so that you can change this and have this beautiful, and humbling, and glorious experience of some kind of a gentle wisdom Renaissance that I pretty much promise you will change your future.

Through the years of my doing this work with, I guess, thousands of people. I’ve seen so many examples of people recognizing, shifting and having a different future. And God knows that’s exactly what happened to me.

This is a deep hopeful invitation to you to do that work of recognizing. And so, my question is, what are your patterns that you might notice? And I’m just going to give you some examples to think about.

Recognizing The Hidden Habits That Shape Your Relationships

One is, not reaching out or getting out there. Now, that’s a huge pattern. I just want to recognize that for sensitive souls, it’s a pattern of protection that has probably really served you because it is not a pretty world out there in the world of online dating. There are so many jerks. We know this, and it’s not easy to find this stranger who was going to become your home in the world. This is not an easy thing.

We need to take care of our nervous system. I can’t tell you how many people in the work that I’ve done have stopped and said, “I need to pause. I need to get out of this process of online dating or whatever, so that I could take care of myself.”’ I really do honor that but also, this is kind of an introspection question. Are you avoiding this beautiful potential world? Another question is, are you healthily armored up? And not the kind of armor that covers your heart. That doesn’t allow you to be open, but the armor of discrimination where you have looked at your patterns and you’ve worked on changing them.

The tapestry of your future in intimacy will change when you recognize ways that you have enacted patterns and you change them. Share on X

My work takes you step by step through how you can do that. You can find my work in so many different places. Just go to DeeperDatingPodcast.com or go Deeper for Good™ the app. Because that is such an important piece, this piece is about attraction. And so, here’s another pattern. Who do you pursue? I want all of you to be able to say, “These are the types that are the most scratch the itch, exciting to me.” And here’s the negative qualities that often go with those people. Here are the negative qualities that I have been attracted to or attracted again and again and again, so that I can be aware of that.

This is an image that I use all the time. Forgive me if you’ve heard it before, but in nature, a creature that doesn’t have a spine, an endoskeleton, needs an exoskeleton and armor. When we don’t have a spine and that spine is, I’m going to tell you what that spine might be that I think is so powerful and helpful, which is your North star question. And I would ask you to think about, is this my North star question in my entire search for love?

The first thing is, Am I getting out there? The next question is, do I use this as my North star question? And that question is, does my heart and soul feel safe and seen with this person? If the answer is no, and the person seems promising. You might want to talk with them directly about what it is that you need or what you’re not getting and see how they respond. Do they gaslight you? Do they say, “Oh, I got it,” and then instantly go back to the same behavior? Or do they hear you and they pause and they say, “Yeah, that was like my nervousness or my whatever,” and then they actually shift.

 

If they don’t, not where you want to be, but then those people with whom you like from the beginning, you say, “Oh, you know, I do feel kind of safe with this person. I do feel seen with this person.” Of course, you need to be physically attracted. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I am not saying be with someone who’s good for you because they’re good for you if you’re not attracted. Attraction is essential and important. And sometimes, it grows in really interesting ways. That is a separate subject.

Is that your North star question or is your pattern more like, who is attractive? And then, is this a good person? You do want to keep who is attractive up there high up, but you don’t want it to be first. Somehow, this is my suggestion, you want your deepest alignment to be someone who makes your soul feel safe and nourished. And when you make that your North star question, it changes everything, but we are not taught to do that. That’s a pattern shift that I really encourage you to take.

Finding Love Through Shared Values And A Better ‘North Star’

Then, there’s an interim step. Are you getting out there? Let’s say, you are getting out there. Are you getting out there in environments with people who share your values? If you’re not, try to do that. Actually, the Deeper for Good™ app is built around that because we create events that are inspiring, that you can attend online, and then meet all of the people in those events on the app because inspiration is oxygen for intimacy.

Inspiration is oxygen for intimacy. Share on X

And I know, for me, that was another thing. This is a story I’ve shared. I remember walking down the street with my friend Mindy and saying to her, “I never really have a relationship and it’s so frustrating because God knows I tried.” She just looked at me and she said, “Ken, I know exactly why you’re not in a relationship.” And I said, “Oh, do tell Mindy.” And she said, “Because you don’t go to events that are live with people who share your values.”

Well, it took me years to follow that advice, but she hit the nail on the head. That’s the other piece of this. What happens when you do recognize your patterns? And I want to ask you right now. Stop a moment. You can pause this recording and think, “What are maybe some of the patterns that I enact that if I was really aligned with the greater wisdom of myself, my wisdom, my heart’s wisdom, my nervous system wisdom, if I pictured this very wise person who loved me and had my back? What would that person tell me about the patterns that I need to shift?

Take a moment. In that beautiful space of personal humility, say, “Yeah, I could see what that pattern might be.” I’m gonna add another one that I think is really key here. We’ve talked about hiding from getting out there. We’ve talked about getting out there in the wrong places. We’ve talked about following attractions that are not aligned with your best self, where love really can be found. Another one that I want to talk about is intoxication. Might you have an issue with drinking or getting high or even talking about addiction with porn.

Any of those addictions do something so fascinating. They trigger a wiring that gets our needs met; our need for safety, our need for security, our need for self-liking, our need for fun, or our need for sexual fulfillment. And those needs are addressed by this addictive quality in an immature way. In a way that gives us a quicker fix without having to do the deeper richer work. And the problems there are not only the moments lost to this.

The fear of intimacy is not a pathology. It is the human condition. Share on X

The problems are that the more that we do that, the more we hardwire deep immature behavior and we become less quality versions of ourselves. That radiates in ways that don’t even connect to when we’re using. They just generalize in profound ways. If there’s any way that there are qualities like this that are compulsive for you, it’s not only the moments of acting out on that compulsion. It is a more generalized experience. And if you get the help and support to pull back from that, you will notice that the stuff underneath comes up. Which is not easy, but it is what we want because then you get to work with it and that is when change happens.

Break Unhealthy Cycles With Support, Courage, And Lasting Change

Going back to this point of recognizing your patterns, I’m asking you if you could just take a few moments and think about what your patterns are. And when you’ve got them, then the question becomes, what do I do? And my suggestion is, get support. Whether it’s support from friends, whether it’s support of programs, like the kind of programs that I and other people teach. I really believe in friends and in everything I teach and everything I do. I encourage people to have a learning partner. I believe in that so deeply.

I actually created a support group for chronically single shrinks. Very wise, and wonderful people. We changed each other’s lives with the work that we did. That’s something I deeply believe in. Don’t try to do this alone. So, if you are recognizing patterns that might not be terrible, but they might be not elevating enough. This is your opportunity to recognize that and to recognize as well that those less elevating patterns are creating a less elevated reality for you in your intimacy journey. Let’s all realize that all of us have clay feet when it comes to intimacy.

The fear of intimacy is not a pathology. It is the human condition. The question is, how do we hold our fear of intimacy? Do we work with it? My suggestion to you is, this first step of recognizing your patterns is huge, and when you do that, it morphs into a kind of glimpse of what you could do differently. And that is where we then look for support, guidance, backing, internal and external. Don’t miss this step or you will keep enacting the same patterns again and again, as I did for decades. Thanks so much for listening. Please feel free to write to me and let me know your thoughts, what comes up for you, and what patterns you recognized. I would love to hear that. And also, go to our new app Deeper for Good™ and visit us and DeeperDatingPodcast.com. Thanks so much.

 

Important Links

• Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
• Deeper for Good
• Deeper Dating Podcast